Have you mourned lately?
Recently, I popped along to a talk as part of Vivid Sydney from the girls behind Good Mourning. Sally Douglas and Imogen Stark have been paving the way around awareness and removing the stigma around mourning. Both joined Gary and me on the These Lads Are Mental podcast show recently for an episode where we spoke more on the topic in detail.
The morning’s event as part of Vivid was a big eye-opener. Look, full transparency, neither Gary nor I have gone through maybe what you’d call ‘losing a real close one’ in our lives. Having said that, I lost my grandad in 2005, the day before I got home from a three-month summer stint in the US. I’ll never forget my dad picking me up from the airport in Dublin and telling me when I got back to the car. My world was a bit shattered. My grandad, Frank, was a huge influence on me, as was my gran, Kitty. They lived in the same estate as me in Stillorgan, my hometown – literally, I lived around the corner from them. I used to cut his hair in his house, and he’d give me ten quid for my troubles, which got you a lot back then. He was a football man, loved a pint (he was head of operations on the floor of the Guinness factory), and he was just a funny, loving character. Always fun when he was around.
At the time, I was so sad, yet I couldn’t cry – I couldn’t grieve. I kept thinking to myself, “What’s wrong with me?” I sat through the wake, the funeral, and the pub for several days after, just not able to express my emotions, my feelings. It’s an awful thing not being able to do so. I think maybe years of pretending all was ok, to hide your feelings, ‘suck it up’, and get on with things (a very Irish thing), that when it came to it, I couldn’t turn that emotion on. I still find it hard to cry these days, when maybe I should cry. It’s not that I can’t cry, it’s more I cry in very isolated and random moments; say I’m on a flight and looking out at the clouds, a song comes on the headphones and boom – I’m crying. Or I could be lying in bed, and a memory, person or thought pops into my head, I’m gone again. And do you know what? I like crying. I spend a lot of time in the ‘happy mode’ or at least pretending to. My gregarious nature is what people tend to see, but there’s a sadder side to me and it holds more weight than I let it be known. That sounds quite dark and dyer, but I don’t see it as that. Weirdly, when I am in that state, I feel most normal, most vulnerable but also most secure. Funny right?
If you’re wondering, I did in the end cry post my grandad’s passing, but it was about six weeks later out on a night, and what sparked it was just some random person giving a throwaway comment that set me off. The floodgates then opened. Maybe then I was ready to say goodbye to him and move on. Gosh, when I write this line (I’m on a flight as we speak, shit here we go), I feel a tear coming. I love you Frank and thank you for everything you did for me. Geez….
Ok, I’m back.
Wow, maybe I am getting a bit better at letting the emotions hit. Or is or was it the plane? What’s with that, must be a soft spot for me. In any case, back to Sally and Im.
I was really intrigued as to what they were going to address and, it was quite surprising. Number one, credit to them for being so open and sharing their stories; both are such powerful ones. Im lost her mum by taking her own life and Sal lost her mum quite suddenly with no notice whatsoever. They both shared that element in their suffering in that they didn’t get to say goodbye. Sal showed the last text she got from her mum and wow was it powerful, just to think that was the last thing she would ever have with her. Mum was just 64. I must hand it to them, and maybe why Gary and I loved connecting with them both so much as they sort of tackle their issue like us. They are upfront, frank, real and honest. Sure, if we can’t do that, how the heck will we ever overcome it, never mind anything in life?
To give you an example, to start off, what they said they were most hit by in the immediate aftermath of losing their mums was the ‘dead min’. Sorry, it was hard not to laugh but the crowd and both gals shared one and saw the funny side of it. Who’d’ have known there would be so much of it they joked. This part of their journey differed though; Sal was the organizer behind the scenes for the family whilst Im took more of a back seat with the arrangements.
But the thing that struck me most was how they spoke about grief not being linear. They also debunked the myth (I didn’t even know it was a myth) of the ‘5 Stages of Grief’, which was created to track and monitor a far more specific and isolated part of grieving, and not grieving in general. So the whole notion you’ll go through anger, frustration etc. is actually not the case. What surprised them was some of the actual things you did experience. The girls met at a community group gathering that was set up after the funerals took place. A great idea when you think about it, is a way for people in similar situations to come together and support each other. Both confessed though that whilst you do share some things, your journeys differed greatly and out of a meeting like this, they crossed eyes and really it was the only lasting connection they got – but look where it led. Im famously slid into Sal’s DMs and the rest is history. To stop there, and as a side note, when you think of the ripple effect of things, if both hadn’t had these major shifts in their life happen, they’d never have met, Good Mourning (their award-winning podcast) would not have happened, Gary and I wouldn’t have met them, they wouldn’t be here speaking at Vivid and I wouldn’t be writing this bloody blog. To rob our own phrase, mental.
Things they said to expect are elements like not sleeping, finding it hard to relax, brain fog, and you are tempted into things like alcohol, eating naught etc. None of which they said were either good or bad, some you might need and are par for the course to get over the sorrow, so it was something they reinforced that there is no silver bullet, each person is different, and it is important to – carefully – lean into whatever your body and mind need at the time. But the overarching answer they had was around the fact you need to heal; you need to resolve the trauma. It could take two months, two years, who knows and that’s ok too. But sharing the experience, the same scenario, and emotions, seemed to really help both through it all. Attaching themselves to something like a podcast, and turning it into some good, is also a good takeaway that things that happen in life – albeit extremely sad or traumatizing – can set you on a new and sometimes better path.
Some bits that helped the girls through their own pain were things like yoga and kundalini, breathwork, acupuncture and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), and therapy in general. I’d like to pause on that last one too for a second. Both confirmed how important it was for them post the loss of their respective mums but also how people, in general, should be using therapy to heal trauma. The theories and perceptions of therapy are changing, thankfully. A few decades ago, you might not want to admit you were seeking therapy, it might have been seen as you are a bit weird, or you’ve lost the plot. The US calls it “going to the shrink” which – to me – just has a negative connotation. The whole lying on a couch looking up, as we’ve seen in Hollywood movies, is not an accurate reflection of what it can be and what it can do. In my own opinion, I think we all should be using therapy in one way or another, just like we would use the gym, or a physio, or nutritionist, whenever we need that added support.
Brain fog was also an interesting aftereffect of their shared loss. One that perhaps was least expected by them. Both discussed how even the simplest of tasks become difficult and they regaled how many funny and silly mistakes they made in their lives afterwards. A good remedy for this was journaling, they said. Writing something down helps memory recall and leant into the CBT work that Sally was doing. From personal experience with journaling, and I fully admit it’s not my go-to, if you think about it, putting something down on paper you are releasing that feeling from your thoughts, you’re validating it, and you’re aligning your conscious with your subconscious mind – so give it a try.
Look, they were honest, there’s no magic thing to get over grief. But that’s sort of their point, whilst you can’t necessarily pinpoint one thing to go, ‘that’ll fix me’, going to that community group (a single action in itself), was the thing that ultimately set them both on their new path. They encourage others to try as many different challenges as they can, to get themselves out there notwithstanding giving themselves ample time where needed to grieve. And if you do put yourself out there and it does go wrong, that’s fine. Those things do happen. But don’t let that deter you from trying the next thing. It may not be that whatever you do or try comes off immediately. Time and time again I hear stories of those who have created something new, or started a movement, and initially thought it wouldn’t work, or numbers were down.
And if I can give you one final example of this notion of pushing on, just listen to Trent Knox’s story about the now famous 440 Run Club that started in Bronte and now has multiple locations. He told Gary and me in his TLAM episode with us that for several weeks he was the only person who showed up to the Saturday morning 5 am runs. He referenced several times how he was this close to packing it all in. Not to mention he was also fighting addiction in those early days of the club on top of it all. But after just celebrating their 7th birthday recently, and appearances on national TV and running clubs all across Australia, he and the work they do is a testament to back yourself and remember why you started whatever it was you did for a reason – that likely no one else saw or those around you thought you were crazy, or in our land, ‘mental’, for doing it.
Final thought: just picture the Uber or Airbnb stories and think, at some point, someone (likely highly unqualified) sat in a room and pitched the idea to someone who probably told them it wouldn’t work. Now look at them.
For now, though, it’s a good mourning to you all.
Listen in to our episode with Sally and Im on Spotify or catch the interview video in full on YouTube.
